Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
the composer
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
No way!
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.