Your mother has terrible taste in children.
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.