I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
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“Wanna fool around while the baby is asleep?” I ask to the woman next to me on the plane who I’ve never met before and whose baby is asleep.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
David Attenborough: The hippos have patiently surrounded the unsuspecting white marbles