Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
My blood type is b hungry.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!