@IamJackBoot: Your name is just a compromise. It's the one both your parents didn't hate.
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@thepatrickwalsh: Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn't include the word "hotshot."
@BoogTweets: Psychologist: what is the issue Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met. Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
@Tetley6969: At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
@vanderheydensax: Me: Got any baby aspirin? Clerk: No, we're out Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye* Clerk: Sir– Me: DON'T RUSH THEM!