Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
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Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Beware…..
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
How funny!
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.