*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
The gas station air pump costs a dollar because air doesn’t grow on trees.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
Me: Goodnight, son.