Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
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[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Flowers bee like
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Seems a bit forward
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”