Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
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Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans