“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
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cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?