To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.
Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.
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It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson’s daughter? Because if so nvm
Is it really too much to ask for a pregnancy test commercial where the lady sees the two lines and starts laugh crying and the guy shits his pants?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Meghan Markle is 36 and engaged to a prince.
I’m 36 and just found an almond in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.