@TheTweetOfGod

Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.

You Might Also Like

@SugarMagicSpice

To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.

@BleakBaron

Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson’s daughter? Because if so nvm

@YourMomsucksTho

Is it really too much to ask for a pregnancy test commercial where the lady sees the two lines and starts laugh crying and the guy shits his pants?

@Home_Halfway

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

@rosecoloredeboy

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

@KrazykurtKurt

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

@Steelers1972

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

@AbbyHasIssues

Meghan Markle is 36 and engaged to a prince.

I’m 36 and just found an almond in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

@nicholas_biondi

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.