The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
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[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”