Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

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It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.


No matter where you set the bar, I’ll be leaning on it…trying to get a drink.


employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce


My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.


OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible*
JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth?
O: Yes
BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*


I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.


I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.