Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
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I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
What in the hipster hell is going on here
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.