@Jayson_Two_time
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
@DominicStraw
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
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@Jayson_Two_time
@Sickayduh
“Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
“Pfft losers”
@ImMelanieGibson
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
@Tmoney68
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
@jjhartinger
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
@cathisamazing
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
@wolfmannjr
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
@HelloCullen
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
@better_off_dad
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
@IamEnidColeslaw
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome