@turtlekiosk
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
@DominicStraw
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
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@turtlekiosk
@jellybnbonanza
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
@RandomRamblr
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
@thatcarlygirl
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
@mostlysharks
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
@juneohara65
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
@prufrockluvsong
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
@GreenishDuck
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
@Megatronic13
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
@StarWarsProblms
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere