@DominicStraw

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

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@turtlekiosk

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

@jellybnbonanza

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

@RandomRamblr

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

@thatcarlygirl

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

@mostlysharks

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

@juneohara65

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

@GreenishDuck

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

@Megatronic13

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere