@all_about_today Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I’m 38 it just sounds exhausting.
@DominicStraw Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
- @DominicStraw
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@all_about_today 
@d_whitehouse My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
@Ellequence I might be OCD, but I’m not falling for that check engine bullshit. It’s there.
@Darlainky I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
@mdob11 A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
@pilau Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
@Ivsy01 Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
@decentbirthday Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
@TheToddWilliams KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
@lecalabara Her: Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with? Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.