Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

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guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that


What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?


An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.


Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.


in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies


“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color


Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.


Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??


Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere