Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

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You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.


*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*


[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin


I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.


Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.


Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.


We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.


It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.