@DominicStraw

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

- @DominicStraw

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@TheToddWilliams

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

@rad_milk

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

@zebrasyndicate

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

@Megatronic13

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

@datassque

white people get red in the winter cause the wind too spicy

@brokenfuIly

i wanna look like a snack this summer but i keep eating them

@Pirate_nurse

It’s 6 am and I’ve already referred to a patient as “the one with the tig ol biddies”…wonder what time HR gets here