@DominicStraw

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

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@Jayson_Two_time

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

@Sickayduh

“Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
“Pfft losers”

@ImMelanieGibson

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

@Tmoney68

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

@jjhartinger

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

@cathisamazing

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

@wolfmannjr

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

@HelloCullen

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

@IamEnidColeslaw

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome