Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
You Might Also Like
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman