@HorryPuttor

“Your password is weak”

You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
Or friendship
And I feel sorry for you

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@thesulk

“Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?” “Can’t. Scared.” “Of the water?” “No. Palindromes.”

@synthandlasers

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

@ojedge

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

@rad_milk

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

@FlyJ_

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

@shay_bayla

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

@Ameiam

I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.

@ZackBornstein

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

@Reverend_Scott

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.