“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
You Might Also Like
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?