“Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?” “Can’t. Scared.” “Of the water?” “No. Palindromes.”
“Your password is weak”
You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
And I feel sorry for you
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People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.