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If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that