Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
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pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no “i” in pixar
employee: yes there is
pixar ceo: no there isn’t
employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*
pixar ceo: Oh my god.
pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
A chicken dinner sounds like a 5th place prize at the most.
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?
DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!