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[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”


That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.


My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.


If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.


Watching The Bible. Didn’t realize everyone spoke w/ a British accent back then. Neat.


There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.


ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”


Red bull gives you crippling heart palpitations just doesn’t have the same ring to it.


Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not


[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?