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wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink


Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”


The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.


It’s sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.


My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.


if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo


I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do


I wish my name was Grudge. This way my wife would hold on to me forever.


Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?