@BlairLoudly

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

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@MartaEffing

*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen

@KentWGraham

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

@TheAndrewNadeau

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

@thetits

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

@SparkNotes

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

@hellohappy_time

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

@koalaslament

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

@TheToddWilliams

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!