A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
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*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Werewolves in the 80’s destroyed so much denim.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!