Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
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My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Worst Native American name ever.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda