@ChristianPlante

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

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@jonnysun

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

@_elvishpresley_

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

@TheAlexNevil

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

@mydmac

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

@KenJennings

“I don’t have a racist bone in my body!” –Riley Cooper’s girlfriend postcoitus

@KeetPotato

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

@ehdannyboy

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

@david8hughes

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

@LloBrow

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps