its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
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Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“I don’t have a racist bone in my body!” –Riley Cooper’s girlfriend postcoitus
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: alright early to bed
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Judge: Approach the bench.