Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.