Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Note to self: always read the final line
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.