@karanbirtinna

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

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@DurtMcHurtt

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

@Douchekevin

I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3.
When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.

@UnFitz

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

@UncleDuke1969

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

@XplodingUnicorn

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

@AndyAsAdjective

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

@PleaseBeGneiss

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

@TheToddWilliams

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot