I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
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Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3.
When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
cat: [eyes narrow] good
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot