“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
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My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Your honor these allegations are
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird