@AaronFullerton

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

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@pippydrydocking

Sorry I went down on your moms sister at your BBQ… I guess you could say I’m…

[lowers shades]

An aunt-eater.

@steeve_again

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

@BlondAmbitionTO

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

@novicefather

“I don’t believe in hyperbole,” she said while consuming an entire horse.

@jordanklepper

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

@frankiemuniz

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

@iamspacegirl

College Advisor: Well, there are a number of career options available in all of your potential majors, you just have to choose someth-

Me: please i just want to be a small goat on the side of a mountain

@FlyJ_

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

@PaperWash

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot