“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

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Sorry I went down on your moms sister at your BBQ… I guess you could say I’m…

[lowers shades]

An aunt-eater.


Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon


Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them


If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.


“I don’t believe in hyperbole,” she said while consuming an entire horse.


I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk


I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.


College Advisor: Well, there are a number of career options available in all of your potential majors, you just have to choose someth-

Me: please i just want to be a small goat on the side of a mountain


My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.


Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.


ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot