“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
You Might Also Like
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
The asteroid..
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.