@TheWriteStuff2u

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

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@fowlerism

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

@Mardigroan

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

@mattokine

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

@rolldiggity

1. Loan someone a pocket knife.
2. Take it back by wrapping it in a rag.
3. Explain you need a knife with someone else’s prints on it.

@decentbirthday

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

@semple42

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.