ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
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It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Him: Honey, I wrecked the car.
Me: Omg! Did you pick up the food first?
And then God made Saturn.
And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
1. Loan someone a pocket knife.
2. Take it back by wrapping it in a rag.
3. Explain you need a knife with someone else’s prints on it.
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
So this killed me..#maths