Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
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A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.