Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”