Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.


her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually


It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.


[Broken Air Conditioner]
Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C?
*sweating audibly* well, they’re all dead, aren’t they?


My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don’t want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.


doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him

Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt gingrich


Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat