Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
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Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
your honor my client chooses dare
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.