@aveuaskew

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

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@brendohare

People keep coming up to me & saying “You have the right amount of hair my son.” Is this normal? Does anyone else have this problem? Hello??

@KentWGraham

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

@honeybadgerMel

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

@TamiDaBushPilot

I put my pants on just like everybody else, by getting my toes caught in the knee hole hopping around and ultimately taking out a lamp on my way down.

@fatguythe

Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they’ve been getting along lately and there’s nothing on tv tonight.

@ArfMeasures

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

@TheBoydP

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

@dinnersruined

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

@badbanana

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.