“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
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You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
if my sleeping schedule was a person
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.