People keep coming up to me & saying “You have the right amount of hair my son.” Is this normal? Does anyone else have this problem? Hello??
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
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When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
But that’s your fault…
I put my pants on just like everybody else, by getting my toes caught in the knee hole hopping around and ultimately taking out a lamp on my way down.
Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they’ve been getting along lately and there’s nothing on tv tonight.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight
DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Marriage: when hanging out goes way too far.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.