“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
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Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
This meeting could have been a cake
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”