Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
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Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really