Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
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me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
classic mixup
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern