“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
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I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that