“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

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A friend of mine in California manages a business that lets “influencers” sit on a parked jet and take pictures, so they can pretend they’re flying private.

He’s completely booked solid for the next 3 months. He said the clients are some of the most famous celebs on earth.


My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.


Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.


Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.


There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.


“I’m just going through some stuff right now” -ghosts probably


My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”


[Dads birthday]
“Make a wish Dad”
*Dad blows out candles
*Looks around
*Looks @ wife
Where did our son go?
-What son?
*Dad cries with joy


Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”


[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”