Hello darkness my old friend, I fell and broke the lamp again
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
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[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*
“It was me. I shit on the rug”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
8:I like cheese!
Me:I like cheese more.
8:No! I like cheese more! I love cheese!
Me:You don’t know what you’re getting into here.