*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
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I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.