“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Sing it!
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.