I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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her: did u bring protection
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off
me: im not vibing with this baby man
doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious
my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]