Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

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I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’


[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?


alarm (noun)
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.


Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.


me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?


HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!


“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”


me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk


Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones


[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]