The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?
Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time
Some people are the little piece of foil in the baked potato of life.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
God: hey can we talk?
Cat: what’s up?
God: I thought you loved the humans?
Cat: I love them so much!
God: but you ignore them like 90% of the time.
Cat: I’m playing hard to get.
Cat: don’t wanna seem too desperate.
Cat: omg did they say something about me?
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad