Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Some people were born into their job.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT