@meerakyafaayda

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

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@RatBatallion

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

@SortaSarcastic

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

@Sean_Burgundy_

Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?

Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time

@ozzyunc

Some people are the little piece of foil in the baked potato of life.

@Jake_Vig

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

@deadstick_ron

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

@WryBry

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

@NewDadNotes

God: hey can we talk?

Cat: what’s up?

God: I thought you loved the humans?

Cat: I love them so much!

God: but you ignore them like 90% of the time.

Cat: I’m playing hard to get.

God: oh.

Cat: don’t wanna seem too desperate.

God:

Cat: omg did they say something about me?

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad