Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.