@KatieBurnett

Your secret is safeish with me

You Might Also Like

@girl_a_whirl

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

@BrownDogBlanket

Funny how people freak out over tiny spiders, but pull a giant one out of the ocean and everyone’s all let’s rip it’s legs off and dip ‘em in butter.

@13spencer

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

@QwertyJones3

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

@LarryNow

“I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!” – said no one ever.

@HTownHarold

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

@piddle_fart

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

@JasonLastname

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

@jameshamblin

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.