me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Your secret is safeish with me
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Funny how people freak out over tiny spiders, but pull a giant one out of the ocean and everyone’s all let’s rip it’s legs off and dip ‘em in butter.
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
“I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!” – said no one ever.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.