Your secret is safeish with me
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
me irl