Your secret is safeish with me
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If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]