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Idgaf about nothin y’all better help me get this s550 😂 naw but I’m serious RT!


Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano


Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart


(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread


[museum tour in the future]
Racism and sexism ended in the 21st century, when brave Americans argued it out of existence online



DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.


ME: Night, sweetheart.


I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.