Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
You Might Also Like
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
It’s the weekend y’all
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.