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Idgaf about nothin y’all better help me get this s550 😂 naw but I’m serious RT!
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[museum tour in the future]
Racism and sexism ended in the 21st century, when brave Americans argued it out of existence online
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.