@Aspersioncast

Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening to you.

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@mishakey

Don’t forget to check your backseat for murderers! Haha! No, but seriously bring me a coke it’s hot in here.

@TheMadShattter

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

@JediGigi

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

@MommaUnfiltered

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

@ibid78

You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.

@Darlainky

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

@kbnoswag

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher