Your secrets safe with me..

I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago…

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*covers himself in nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*


Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.


*stands outside of karate dojo practicing karate for free through the window*


This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:


So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon

Dating is hard.


doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy


Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!


Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.