My husband and I are fighting. There’s about a 50 50 chance he knows.
Your secrets safe with me..
I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago…
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*covers himself in nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
*stands outside of karate dojo practicing karate for free through the window*
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon
Dating is hard.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.