Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.