Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
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Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My neck, my back, my…
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again