Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment


I remember when things only cost an arm.


Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.


I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.


Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?


For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.


“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”


Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.


GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”


[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*