@PatsATweetin

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

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@aveuaskew

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

@ShortSleeveSuit

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

@JustDontBugMe

[During an ultrasound scan]

Doctor:The baby looks fine.

Mom:See? that’s your baby sister in there!

3:What??Mom, why did you eat the baby?

@julie2288

Pregnancy tests in movies are so weird…
She hands him the test and he stands there holding this stick of pee like it isn’t a stick of pee

@eslpaul

I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges

@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

@baronvonbike

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

@mrjohndarby

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

@shariv67

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.