Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

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Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there


Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.


Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it


Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day


If we call people named David, Dave for short, does that mean Flava Flav’s real name was Flavour Flavid?


I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.


With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together


Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.


Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.