@PatsATweetin
@aveuaskew
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
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@aveuaskew
@ShortSleeveSuit
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
@JustDontBugMe
[During an ultrasound scan]
Doctor:The baby looks fine.
Mom:See? that’s your baby sister in there!
3:What??Mom, why did you eat the baby?
@julie2288
Pregnancy tests in movies are so weird…
She hands him the test and he stands there holding this stick of pee like it isn’t a stick of pee
@eslpaul
I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges
@iLikeCatShirts
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
@MrWordsWorth
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
@baronvonbike
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
@mrjohndarby
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
@shariv67
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.