Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
You Might Also Like
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.