Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@fro_vo

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

@scott_towel

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

@simoncholland

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

@Kryzazy

If we call people named David, Dave for short, does that mean Flava Flav’s real name was Flavour Flavid?

@_eric_alexander

I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.

@T_Bonezzz_

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

@Dawn_M_

I am a woman, hear my eyes roll.

@blade_funner

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.