Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
You Might Also Like
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.