@jdforshort

Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up

~Mosquitos

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@timdonakowski

My wife and I got into an argument.

And now I’m gonna do these dishes so hard.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

@TheBoydP

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

@AnitaHelmet

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

@farleftcoast

Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.

@fro_vo

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

@Ghetto_Trophy

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.