@jdforshort

Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up

~Mosquitos

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@scorpiusryan21

Had a skype interview yesterday and I completely avoided the fact that I am actually a centaur

@PoodleSnarf

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

@Macar00ny

*shoots self in foot*

“Damn i like the metaphor better”

@Cpin42

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

@Social_Mime

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

@veggiefemme

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

@LunchJournals

“I’m a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he’s known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars.”

@ReeseButCallMeV

What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

@Diversion50

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.