My wife and I got into an argument.
And now I’m gonna do these dishes so hard.
Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up
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My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
*accidentally deletes a tweet*
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.