Had a skype interview yesterday and I completely avoided the fact that I am actually a centaur
Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up
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*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
*shoots self in foot*
“Damn i like the metaphor better”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“I’m a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he’s known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars.”
What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.