[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
You Might Also Like
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
$3 #books
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
my retirement plan is braless
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste