MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
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Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Rt to bother an English speaker
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Morning.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.