your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
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Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…