Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
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13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Posting this on behalf of a friend
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.