Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.