When you let grandma cat sit
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dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Bros before Ohioes
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process