@DandyTruman

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

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@PoodleSnarf

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

@Sean_Burgundy_

Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature

@IvoryGazelle

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

@Shot_Of_Cabo

If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country

@VisionBored1

My son announced to his entire class that the bank keeps calling Daddy every day to talk about money.

We’re renewing our mortgage.

@mdob11

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

@ThisLocalHater

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

@SlabBaconBP

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

@KattsDogma

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale