Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

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Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here


Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature


Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole


If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country


My son announced to his entire class that the bank keeps calling Daddy every day to talk about money.

We’re renewing our mortgage.


‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.


[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?


When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it


Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale