Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies