eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?