Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

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Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.


CEO: where do you see yourself in 5 years

me: hopefully in your chair

[5 years later]

me: *in the CEO’s chair*

CEO: *calling security* there’s a homeless man in my chair


Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean


[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?


Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?


If you can’t find groceries, make friends with Indian-Americans. Like literally just show up at their house and they’ll feed you.


PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal


Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?


Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater