Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
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It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio