Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
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CEO: where do you see yourself in 5 years
me: hopefully in your chair
[5 years later]
me: *in the CEO’s chair*
CEO: *calling security* there’s a homeless man in my chair
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
If you can’t find groceries, make friends with Indian-Americans. Like literally just show up at their house and they’ll feed you.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater